Just Breathe

It's just amazing how I can get myself all worked up. It's so easy to do. Little worries become big worries, and I drive myself crazy. I am decidedly better at turning things over to God then I was years ago, but I still need a lot of improvement there.

I have just been consumed with fear the last few days. I am praying about it, but this isn't the kind of fear that I can just and pray away. I think it's a fear driven by a need to change. I just need to figure out how to change and the best way to go about doing that.

I've been told frequently that I should avoid major decisions for at least six months after Ron's death. I really get that. I am amazed at how hard it is for me to think clearly. One of the many reasons that working out is such a huge priority is that it helps me to clear my head.

I also find it difficult to get things done. Everything seems to be going in slow motion, yet at the end of the day, my to-do list is barely touched. I need to do a better job managing my time, especially when Ben is in school, and I need more realistic to-to lists. :-)

Overall though, I'm OK. I'm grieving. I'm afraid. I'm tired. I'm stressed. On the other hand, I also spend a good part of my day being hopeful and happy. I was the science center volunteer at Ben's school today. We made magic muck and then debated whether it was a solid or a liquid. The teacher warned me that the project was messy; she was right. We made a huge mess and had a really great time.

Considering all that has happened and the major transition I'm making, I'm handling it OK. I continue to pray for strength and guidance, and I get it. When things get crazy, I just need to remember to take a deep breath.

Oh, and for the record, we decided that magic muck was a liquid.

Missing Ron

I miss watching Ghost Whisperer and Numbers with him.

I miss how he teased me when I got all giggly when the guy in Ghost Whisperer was shirtless.

I miss how he loved everything I cooked, even when it was awful.

I miss how he took the dogs out if they woke up in the middle of the night.

I miss running my fingers through his hair.

I miss how he complained about the curls in his hair when it got long.

I miss having someone around me who actually gets my sense of humor.

I miss how he usually stayed calm when I was going crazy.

I miss how he understood me.

I miss how he would roll his eyes when I was reading too much into something he said.

I miss how he would give me a back rub after a hard workout.

I miss his emails about the Libertarian party.

I miss watching him put his pens, comb, and wallet in his back pocket.

I miss watching him yell at the Bears and his fantasy football team.

I miss watching him cuddle with his son.

I miss dancing with him to True Colors.

I miss making love with him to the point of utter exhaustion.

I miss holding his hand.

I miss putting my head on his chest.

I miss his hand wiping away my tears.

I miss him...so much.