Thursday, February 12, 2009

You Keep Going

Today, Ben and I went to White Castle for dinner. We held hands, closed our eyes, and pressed the "Other" button on our drinks. We were immediately transported to Castletopia and transformed into robots. Our food became robot sliders, robot springs, and robot oil. We spoke the very strange language of the Castletopia robots. We had a lot of fun and probably laughed a bit too loud. Oh well.

When we came home, Ben gave me a valentine that he made me at school. I cried. A lot. I really love my kid. I will keep going Ben. You betcha kiddo.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Overcoming Fear

I was just reading a post by Kat called How To Overcome Fear. I've been struggling with fear quite a bit lately, so I figured maybe I'd try and put my feelings into words.

I have two fears right now that are causing me grief. The first one is my fear of being a single mom. Ron was such a good dad. We made decisions together. Ben is a really great kid, and he's a very low-maintenance kids. Still, I am afraid. Am I good enough?

The second is the fear of being alone. I am not anywhere near ready to date, but I would like to believe that when the time is right, I will meet someone. Please don't tell me that if I have a fulfilling enough life that I won't miss married life. I have no desire to grow alone by myself. Yes, I have friends and a very fulfilling social life. However, I don't spoon with my friends, and more importantly, none of them come over on Thursday nights to take out the garbage. ;-) It's OK if I get turned out of the feminist club. I'll admit it. I wants me a man! Well, not right now, but someday.

The last weeks of Ron's life were awful. I watched Ron scream in pain. I held him when he was terrified of the "enemy" coming after him. I cleaned him up when he was sick. I slept on the floor when he needed me close by. I fed him. You get the idea. Most people think you sign a DNR and then you're done. It didn't work that way for us. I made decisions that I never thought I'd have to make. "Should we discontinue his steroids?" "Should we discontinue his fluids?" "Should we stop his food?" "Should we increase his morphine?" I was the one who made all those decisions, with help of course. I wondered why the hell I was the one making these decisions. Still, I made them. I went between taking care of Ron to taking care of Ben, sometimes feeling as if I wasn't doing a good job doing either.

Every day for weeks, I did what I had to do. My friends told me that I should incredible strength. My pastors told me that in the last couple of years, they've seen me transform into a woman they had never seen--one who is confidant and strong. The thing is, I'm not really any different. I'm still the mess of a girl I've always been. However, every day of that purgatory period, I asked for God's strength. Every day I got it. Every day I had just enough strength to get through the day. Every night I collapsed exhausted. My motto became Weak Woman, Strong God. I was given everything I needed to get through that time. Every time I asked for help, I got it. Every single time.

If God was with me through all of that, He will be with me through this. He will help me to be the mom I need to be. He will put the right man in my path at the right time, if it His will. If I never gets me a man, I'll be OK. ;-) I need to trust that God will help me have the life that He wants for me. I need to let His love conquer my fear. I can do that.