Monday, January 26, 2009


I got angry at Ben for misplacing his hat and mittens. He never puts them away. I have no idea where my hat and mittens are.

I found it easier to not over eat during the mid morning and afternoon when I started eating eggs and bacon for breakfast a few times a week. Protein in the morning is great, but not on the mornings I run.

I like the Karate Kid movies. My favorite is the last one with Hillary Swank. It's not necessarily Oscar material, but there are many great moments. It says a lot about strengths and weaknesses, hopes and fears, and trust.

Mostly, I want to learn karate because of the strength it brings out in me. However, I really want to learn to spin and kick or spin and punch because it just looks really, really cool. Yeah, well, sue me because my motives aren't pure. I want to do something that looks cool.

"Never trust a spiritual leader who cannot dance." It's one of my favorite lines in The Next Karate Kid. People who think that God is all about anger and hatred have just got it all wrong. God is joy.

I like taking karate. It makes me feel strong and weak at the same time.

Almost anytime I do something completely stupid in karate, my sensei is looking right at me. He did miss me falling on my face when I was doing push-ups. He turned around right after though and asked what happened. I just laughed.

My sensei has pictures of himself with his dad in Peru. His dad taught him karate. What a legacy. I have nothing like that to give to Ben. It makes me wonder what legacy I will pass down to my son. I do have faith. That will be my legacy. It is Ron's too.

My other sensei is competing in a karate tournament. She is awesome! I am trying to work up the courage to volunteer for the tournament.

I get tired of hearing the same music on Christian radio, but I tend to listen to the same 5 or 6 CDs.

On Facebook, I signed up to be a fan of The White Chocolate Grill and Chipotle. The next day I became a fan of The Biggest Loser. Mmmmm. I love tacos with carnitas.

The more I cry, the stronger I feel. The more I trust the future will be OK, the less power the past has over me.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Just Breathe

It's just amazing how I can get myself all worked up. It's so easy to do. Little worries become big worries, and I drive myself crazy. I am decidedly better at turning things over to God then I was years ago, but I still need a lot of improvement there.

I have just been consumed with fear the last few days. I am praying about it, but this isn't the kind of fear that I can just and pray away. I think it's a fear driven by a need to change. I just need to figure out how to change and the best way to go about doing that.

I've been told frequently that I should avoid major decisions for at least six months after Ron's death. I really get that. I am amazed at how hard it is for me to think clearly. One of the many reasons that working out is such a huge priority is that it helps me to clear my head.

I also find it difficult to get things done. Everything seems to be going in slow motion, yet at the end of the day, my to-do list is barely touched. I need to do a better job managing my time, especially when Ben is in school, and I need more realistic to-to lists. :-)

Overall though, I'm OK. I'm grieving. I'm afraid. I'm tired. I'm stressed. On the other hand, I also spend a good part of my day being hopeful and happy. I was the science center volunteer at Ben's school today. We made magic muck and then debated whether it was a solid or a liquid. The teacher warned me that the project was messy; she was right. We made a huge mess and had a really great time.

Considering all that has happened and the major transition I'm making, I'm handling it OK. I continue to pray for strength and guidance, and I get it. When things get crazy, I just need to remember to take a deep breath.

Oh, and for the record, we decided that magic muck was a liquid.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Missing Ron

I miss watching Ghost Whisperer and Numbers with him.

I miss how he teased me when I got all giggly when the guy in Ghost Whisperer was shirtless.

I miss how he loved everything I cooked, even when it was awful.

I miss how he took the dogs out if they woke up in the middle of the night.

I miss running my fingers through his hair.

I miss how he complained about the curls in his hair when it got long.

I miss having someone around me who actually gets my sense of humor.

I miss how he usually stayed calm when I was going crazy.

I miss how he understood me.

I miss how he would roll his eyes when I was reading too much into something he said.

I miss how he would give me a back rub after a hard workout.

I miss his emails about the Libertarian party.

I miss watching him put his pens, comb, and wallet in his back pocket.

I miss watching him yell at the Bears and his fantasy football team.

I miss watching him cuddle with his son.

I miss dancing with him to True Colors.

I miss making love with him to the point of utter exhaustion.

I miss holding his hand.

I miss putting my head on his chest.

I miss his hand wiping away my tears.

I miss much.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Sensei ni rei

It bothers me that I allow my level of self-esteem to be determined by what others say and do. In theory, I should be shaped by God's opinion of me, not everyone else's. In reality, that just doesn't always work. Sometimes, I feel down because of others' negative opinion, or even just my perception of their negative opinions. On the flip side, if someone compliments me, I don't seem to allow that to raise my self-esteem much.

An exception to this happened on Friday. I just earned my orange belt in karate. It is the first belt you earn in Shotokan. I was in the women's bathroom getting ready for karate, when Ben came in. "Mr. Sanchez told me to give this to you." I was very excited to receive my belt, but truthfully, had hoped for a little more pomp and circumstance than having my 6-year old give me my belt in the bathroom. Nonetheless, I put on the belt. My demeanor changed immediately. I felt more confident.

As I started heading to class, I met up with some of the younger students in class. "Wow! You have your orange belt! That is so cool!" I talked with them about it and told them about my test. I was positively beaming at this point. When class started, everyone had to line up after me, because I am now officially the senpai, the class leader. The high belt in class is the senpai, so it's very unusual for an orange belt to be senpai. However, this program is new to our area, so everyone is just beginners. When I go to karate on Tuesday, there are many advanced belts, so I am pretty low on the totem pole.

We started class, and everyone lined up next to me. As I was about to say "Sensei ni rei" (bow to Sensei), my Sensei said it! I was bummed, and I let him know that. (Bad on my part. I tell Ben all the time how important it is to show respect to Sensei.) We had an exceptionally hard work out in karate. I hadn't been working out much in the last two months. This week, I had karate on Tuesday, ran on Wednesday, lifted weights on Thursday, and then karate again on Friday. I was starting to wonder whether or not I was going to make it through the whole class. I kept remembering my position as senpai and kept trying to do my best. Honestly, I was a little whiny and wimpy, something I need to work on. Senpai really isn't that big of a deal in my class, but I still feel as an adult and the only orange belt, that I should set an example.

As class ended, we lined up again. This time, Mr. Sanchez allowed me to call out the greeting, "Sensei ni rei." I had to stop myself from giggling. I was proud of myself. I worked hard for that belt. My classmates were proud of me. It was a good day for my self-esteem.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

New Year's Resolutions

Eat Better
Eat more fruits, veggies, and whole grains (at least 2x day of each)
Eat less junk (less sugar, one soda per day max, less fast food)

Work Out
I did a good job of this last year, but in the last month, my workouts have been sporadic at best.
Lift at least twice a week, preferably three.
Do cardio at least four times a week, preferably five.

Run Faster
Get my 5K time under 35 minutes in the short term, under 30 minutes sometime in 2009.
Get my half-marathon time under 3 hours.

Lose Weight
Lose 50 pounds. Enough said.

I want my house back. I'm starting with the den and Ben's room.

Manage Money
I'm going to remember what my financial goals are and prioritize.

Ben Time
I need to make sure Ben and I don't get into a rut of watching TV and playing on the computer.

I need to get comfortable with my looks. I'm not beautiful, and I never will be. I'm OK with that, but I need to get to the point where pictures of me don't send me into a major depression.