Thursday, January 22, 2009

Just Breathe

It's just amazing how I can get myself all worked up. It's so easy to do. Little worries become big worries, and I drive myself crazy. I am decidedly better at turning things over to God then I was years ago, but I still need a lot of improvement there.

I have just been consumed with fear the last few days. I am praying about it, but this isn't the kind of fear that I can just and pray away. I think it's a fear driven by a need to change. I just need to figure out how to change and the best way to go about doing that.

I've been told frequently that I should avoid major decisions for at least six months after Ron's death. I really get that. I am amazed at how hard it is for me to think clearly. One of the many reasons that working out is such a huge priority is that it helps me to clear my head.

I also find it difficult to get things done. Everything seems to be going in slow motion, yet at the end of the day, my to-do list is barely touched. I need to do a better job managing my time, especially when Ben is in school, and I need more realistic to-to lists. :-)

Overall though, I'm OK. I'm grieving. I'm afraid. I'm tired. I'm stressed. On the other hand, I also spend a good part of my day being hopeful and happy. I was the science center volunteer at Ben's school today. We made magic muck and then debated whether it was a solid or a liquid. The teacher warned me that the project was messy; she was right. We made a huge mess and had a really great time.

Considering all that has happened and the major transition I'm making, I'm handling it OK. I continue to pray for strength and guidance, and I get it. When things get crazy, I just need to remember to take a deep breath.

Oh, and for the record, we decided that magic muck was a liquid.


Carla said...

Hang in there, keep on being your thoughtful and spiritually grounded self. You're still on our prayer list!

kathryn said...

i'm praying for you too, Lori. I loved this post. The combination of hope and grief, honesty, vulnerability is inspiring. XO

Gina said...

I'm praying, friend! And here if you need to vent