Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Overcoming Fear

I was just reading a post by Kat called How To Overcome Fear. I've been struggling with fear quite a bit lately, so I figured maybe I'd try and put my feelings into words.

I have two fears right now that are causing me grief. The first one is my fear of being a single mom. Ron was such a good dad. We made decisions together. Ben is a really great kid, and he's a very low-maintenance kids. Still, I am afraid. Am I good enough?

The second is the fear of being alone. I am not anywhere near ready to date, but I would like to believe that when the time is right, I will meet someone. Please don't tell me that if I have a fulfilling enough life that I won't miss married life. I have no desire to grow alone by myself. Yes, I have friends and a very fulfilling social life. However, I don't spoon with my friends, and more importantly, none of them come over on Thursday nights to take out the garbage. ;-) It's OK if I get turned out of the feminist club. I'll admit it. I wants me a man! Well, not right now, but someday.

The last weeks of Ron's life were awful. I watched Ron scream in pain. I held him when he was terrified of the "enemy" coming after him. I cleaned him up when he was sick. I slept on the floor when he needed me close by. I fed him. You get the idea. Most people think you sign a DNR and then you're done. It didn't work that way for us. I made decisions that I never thought I'd have to make. "Should we discontinue his steroids?" "Should we discontinue his fluids?" "Should we stop his food?" "Should we increase his morphine?" I was the one who made all those decisions, with help of course. I wondered why the hell I was the one making these decisions. Still, I made them. I went between taking care of Ron to taking care of Ben, sometimes feeling as if I wasn't doing a good job doing either.

Every day for weeks, I did what I had to do. My friends told me that I should incredible strength. My pastors told me that in the last couple of years, they've seen me transform into a woman they had never seen--one who is confidant and strong. The thing is, I'm not really any different. I'm still the mess of a girl I've always been. However, every day of that purgatory period, I asked for God's strength. Every day I got it. Every day I had just enough strength to get through the day. Every night I collapsed exhausted. My motto became Weak Woman, Strong God. I was given everything I needed to get through that time. Every time I asked for help, I got it. Every single time.

If God was with me through all of that, He will be with me through this. He will help me to be the mom I need to be. He will put the right man in my path at the right time, if it His will. If I never gets me a man, I'll be OK. ;-) I need to trust that God will help me have the life that He wants for me. I need to let His love conquer my fear. I can do that.


Gina said...

Amen. Amen. And Amen again...

Campbell Clan said...

You have EVERYTHING you need to get you through this: let go & let GOD take you through this valley. You sound like you are a very Christian woman; when the time is right, God will lead you to a good Christian man, or will bring that man to you. Keep your faith strong, allow your fellow Christians help you throug this, stay true to your faith & the bible & most of all don't be afraid to let the Lord carry you through this. Our God is a merciful God & we may never understand why He leads us where He does; it is for a purpose, just be open to it. Right now, after praising God, take care of your son & yourself. I will keep you in my prayers.

In Christian love,

Lori said...

Thanks Kathy. I appreciate your compassion, words of assurance, and prayers.