Friday, December 19, 2008

Grieving

Now that all the services for Ron are over, real grieving has started for me. It's amazing how physical the pain can be. It feels as if my heart is quite literally breaking. Last night, I picked up Ron's jacket and just held it as if it were him. You would have thought it was a scene from a Hallmark movie.

I was prepared for how much I would hurt. I was not prepared for this identity crisis I seem to be going through. I'm now Ron's widow, a single mom, and someone who feels as if chunks of her are missing. My pastor described it this way... It's not as if marriage is like two fists joined together. Instead, it's more like to hands joined together. When one is taken away, the remaining one has all these gaps. That's the way I feel. There are big, scattered holes all over me. Most of those holes will heal with time, but probably not all of them. It's going to take time to figure out who I am without Ron.

Grieving during the Christmas season has it's challenges, but there are also many, many benefits. It's really a good time to experience the miracle of the Savior. Christmas has a way of making me feel closer to God. This is especially true this Christmas. The other thing is that Ben is now officially done with school for the year. We get to spend time together. Being with my son is healing. Ben brings out the best in me, just like his dad did. Plus, Ben and I just have a lot of fun together. We're going to spend a few days in Montreal. We'll have a lot of time together, and I'll get a much desired change of scenery.

I'm looking forward to the day when I start feeling normal again. I hope it's soon.

3 comments:

Carla said...

Lori, I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Don't worry about not being able to always keep your chin up, God's strength is made perfect in our weakness. He will never let you down.

Sending lots of hugs and prayers,
Carla

Gina said...

I'm so glad that you and Ben get to spend time together. You two need one another! Carla said it all perfectly... God's strength IS made perfect in our weakness.

Prayin...
Gina

kathryn said...

sweetheart. . i just cry when i read these posts. I am praying for you and your sweet boy and for all of your family members and friends who grieve the passing of Ron. I love the song "His Strength is Perfect". Carla's reminder of God's strength being made perfect in our weakness makes me think of the song lyrics. . esp. this part: "He'll carry us when we can't carry on. ." ((((((HUG))))))

love from me to you. . .