Here I Am, Lord Send Me

Today, I am blogging for the 40-Day Fast. Today is also Brody Harper's day to blog for the 40-Day Fast. Please check out his blog too.

I was very excited when I first read about the 40-Day Fast opportunity. I figured it was a great way for me to finally do something for someone else for a change. I signed up and eagerly waited for the Fast to begin. However, as the start day approached, I began to get nervous about being the right person for the job.

On day one, when Brant Hansen blogged about Compassion International, I really started to regret my decision to participate. On one hand, here's Brant who has first-hand experience serving those in extreme poverty. If you look at his picture on his blog, you see a tough, rugged guy who looks like he could dig a well single-handedly with his Swiss Army Knife.

On the other hand, there's me. I'm a soccer mom who is afraid of bugs. Actually, phobic is much more accurate. On day one of the Fast, I was talking with my husband on the phone and filling him in on the day's events. My son and I found a firefly outside of our window. We took some really nice close-up shots of it. My husband was thrilled and congratulated me on my bravery of getting so close to a bug. No, he wasn't being sarcastic. So there it is. Brant visits the slums of Nairobi. I'm cautiously approaching a firefly on the outside of my window.

It's not just my ridiculous phobia of bugs that made me question my appropriateness for the Fast. Since my husband was diagnosed with cancer, we don't do much in the way of service projects. We are the service project. Thankfully, we have had many, many people help us fight this battle over the last two years. It has been a blessing. Still, sometimes we've wondered if we have anything left to contribute, or if we have become the leeches of our congregation.

Recently, the band downhere released their latest single, "Here I Am." This song speaks of being an offering to God. It's a song I am moved by more and more every time I hear it. Here is a small sample of the lyrics.

"When setbacks and failures, and upset plans,
Test my faith and leave me with empty hands,
Are you not the closest when it's hardest to stand?
I know that you will finish what you began...

Overwhelmed by the thought of my weakness,
And the fear that I'll fail you in the end,
In this mess, I'm just one of the pieces,
I can't put this together but you can."

You can see the full lyrics and hear the song at Jeremy Thiessen's blog. This song reminds me that God knows the struggles I have been through and despite my brokenness, He can use me.

I got to see this song performed live at a music festival called Lifest and spoke to the downhere guys after the show. I shared with Jason Germain, the guy who wrote the song, how powerful the lyrics were to me. Jason reminded me that even Jesus took a break here and there. He reminded me of the story of Jesus on the boat with his disciples. A terrible storm hit. Where was Jesus? Sleeping. Jason suggested that this was my season to rest. I walked away from Jason knowing that God could use me, that God would use me, but that God was also going to give me some rest.

Today, I interrupt my rest to fast and to try and make a small difference in the life of someone else. I attend a United Methodist Church. Big denominations have big money and big responsibilities. What do United Methodists do well? We host potluck dinners. Besides that? We are good at putting together relief supplies. We have it down to a science. There are a number of "kits" we assemble in a way that makes them usable to a great number of people while also following the strict rules that often govern product entry into other countries. I am joining the United Methodist Committee on Relief to build health kits. My family and I are going to assemble a few ourselves. There is a traveling children's choir from Africa visiting the area. I will join with others in our community, build some health kits, and send them home with the children.

Today I ask for your prayers for me, my family, and people like us who sometimes feel too small to help when there is such great need. If we trust that God can overcome our weaknesses, He can and will.

"Little is much when God's in it.
He changes the world with the seeds we sow."
-downhere

Call My Name

I've had a lot of difficulty praying lately. I just don't know what I should say. I've been praying to God regularly for nearly 30 years, so this is unusual for me. I don't know what to ask of Him.

I know I should be praying for strength and not asking for things to be easier. I could ask God for strength, but it would be incredibly insincere, and He and I would both know it. (However, I do positively love having other people pray for strength for me.) What I want is for this to be easier.

I'm at the hospital with Ron right now. The biochemotherapy that he is receiving is so toxic that there are special rules in place for handling it. Everyone needs to wear special thick gloves to handle the IV bags. Ron needs to flush twice everytime he goes to the bathroom. Anything that comes in contact with his body fluid needs to be specially decontaminated. All of these rules are in place because the drugs are so nasty, and that's being injected into his body.

He has a port, a PICC line, and still needs to get a shot in his abdomen every day. Over the last two days, he's suffered through vomiting, diarrhea, severe chills (rigors), fevers, extreme exhaustion, etc. We've only been in the hospital for two days. We have four more days to go.

We've been battling this cancer for over two years. This is a blessing, as the doctors originally gave Ron six to nine months to live. I am truly thankful. It has been a long battle though, and we are both so tired.

I was in the car the other day struggling with what to say to God. I'm so tired, angry, depressed, and frightened. I have turned my back on God and have become too comfortable in my own sin. I don't know what to say to God. I don't know if I even have the right to ask him for anything since I have been so disobedient. I am sometimes so sad, I just can't even get out the words that I do have.

While I was thinking about this in the car, Third Day's "Call My Name" came on the radio. I really love this song, although I need to learn the words. I tend to "sing" the guitar part. Somewhere, Mark Lee is getting unexplained headaches every time I hear this song. :-) Call My Name and I'll be there. That's what I need to do, isn't it. Just call His name. That's what I did, that very moment in the car. Despite my shortcomings and the distance I had put between us, I could feel Him. I could feel His very presence. I could feel warmth on my shoulders. It is difficult to describe. It is amazing to be so undeserving, to fall so short, but yet to still be loved by God.

Oddly enough, I'm not really a Third Day fan, even though I've been following Mark Lee's blog for some time. It's not that I don't like their music, I just don't really know it. They are a pretty well-known band, so it's strange that I don't know their music. I think that's going to change soon, as I really, really, really want their new album Revelation.

Here are the lyrics from Call My Name...

"Bung a bung bung. Bung a bung bung. Bunga bung.
Whing a whing whing. Whing a whing whing. Whing Whing."

Well, that's the guitar part. :-)

Here are the lyrics: http://www.klove.com/lyrics/lyrics.asp?2805