Thursday, June 19, 2008

Call My Name

I've had a lot of difficulty praying lately. I just don't know what I should say. I've been praying to God regularly for nearly 30 years, so this is unusual for me. I don't know what to ask of Him.

I know I should be praying for strength and not asking for things to be easier. I could ask God for strength, but it would be incredibly insincere, and He and I would both know it. (However, I do positively love having other people pray for strength for me.) What I want is for this to be easier.

I'm at the hospital with Ron right now. The biochemotherapy that he is receiving is so toxic that there are special rules in place for handling it. Everyone needs to wear special thick gloves to handle the IV bags. Ron needs to flush twice everytime he goes to the bathroom. Anything that comes in contact with his body fluid needs to be specially decontaminated. All of these rules are in place because the drugs are so nasty, and that's being injected into his body.

He has a port, a PICC line, and still needs to get a shot in his abdomen every day. Over the last two days, he's suffered through vomiting, diarrhea, severe chills (rigors), fevers, extreme exhaustion, etc. We've only been in the hospital for two days. We have four more days to go.

We've been battling this cancer for over two years. This is a blessing, as the doctors originally gave Ron six to nine months to live. I am truly thankful. It has been a long battle though, and we are both so tired.

I was in the car the other day struggling with what to say to God. I'm so tired, angry, depressed, and frightened. I have turned my back on God and have become too comfortable in my own sin. I don't know what to say to God. I don't know if I even have the right to ask him for anything since I have been so disobedient. I am sometimes so sad, I just can't even get out the words that I do have.

While I was thinking about this in the car, Third Day's "Call My Name" came on the radio. I really love this song, although I need to learn the words. I tend to "sing" the guitar part. Somewhere, Mark Lee is getting unexplained headaches every time I hear this song. :-) Call My Name and I'll be there. That's what I need to do, isn't it. Just call His name. That's what I did, that very moment in the car. Despite my shortcomings and the distance I had put between us, I could feel Him. I could feel His very presence. I could feel warmth on my shoulders. It is difficult to describe. It is amazing to be so undeserving, to fall so short, but yet to still be loved by God.

Oddly enough, I'm not really a Third Day fan, even though I've been following Mark Lee's blog for some time. It's not that I don't like their music, I just don't really know it. They are a pretty well-known band, so it's strange that I don't know their music. I think that's going to change soon, as I really, really, really want their new album Revelation.

Here are the lyrics from Call My Name...

"Bung a bung bung. Bung a bung bung. Bunga bung.
Whing a whing whing. Whing a whing whing. Whing Whing."

Well, that's the guitar part. :-)

Here are the lyrics:

No comments: