Sunday, June 22, 2008

Dwelling in the House of Self Pity

The last 24 hours have been strange for me. My emotions are all over the place. What a roller-coaster ride. Well, here's the story...

Yesterday, I was at home with my mom and my son. My husband was still in the hospital finishing up this round of chemo. I was tired, since I had stayed with Ron at the hospital the last few nights and hadn't gotten much sleep. I was sitting right here on the couch, where I am right now, when my Dachshund, Xena, came to share my lap with my 2-day old Sony Vaio. All of a sudden, Xena puked. Thankfully, I moved the computer just in time. However, what was all down my leg was regurgitated poop. Yup. The dog ate poop and barfed it up in my lap and all down my leg. Puke is bad. Regurgitated poop has a smell so awful it nearly makes me woozy.

I cleaned up the couch and floor, through my clothes in the washer, and took a shower. Considering the sheer volume of puke on and around me, I thought Xena was done. Nope. When I got out of the shower, she had left me two piles of regurgitated poop in my room. Swell. I just started to freak out. After nearly hyperventilating, I just got down on the floor and cleaned the mess. As I scrubbed the carpet, I started feeling as if things just couldn't get much worse. How could God let my dog puke poop all over me and my bedroom while my husband was in the hospital fighting cancer? How much more crap (pun intended) can I take?

When I was done with all that, my mom had dinner ready for us. I sat down at the table and took a deep breath. I really could have cried at that moment, but I felt blessed to have food on the table, especially good food that I didn't cook. Right before Xena had puked on me, I was looking at the 40-Day Fast and checking out where my name was on the schedule. People all over the world go to sleep without having enough food. It is mind-boggling to me. It is positively heart-breaking to me. I realized that I needed to stop being such a drama queen over puke. Most people in the world have a much rougher life than I do. At that moment I looked up at my mom, and she and I just laughed.

This morning, I woke up early to run a 5-mile race. I was nervous, because I've run 5K races, but this was my first 5-mile race. You get all levels of runners/walkers at 5Ks, but 5-mile races tend to attract more serious runners. My run went beautifully though, and I beat the goal time I had set for myself by 4 minutes. I was one of the last people to finish, but it was just an incredible feeling. It was very emotional for me also, because on this date last year, I weighed the most I have ever weighed in my life, not including during pregnancy. Last year on this date, I was morbidly obese, had high cholesterol, and was pre-diabetic. Today, I'm 55 pounds lighter, I run, lift weights, box, take karate, and in general, I'm just more active. I play WITH my son instead of just watch him. I'm so thankful for the second chance I've been given. I have been able to lose weight by finally seeing healthy eating and exercise as a gift, and not as a punishment that I should resent.

Tonight, I finally have some peace. Ron is still in the hospital, because the chemo has caused some problems with his kidneys. I am still stressed, but yet I'm still OK. Things are tough, but so am I. Things have been hard for us, but so much harder for so many others. Through it all I just try to remember that God is good, and that He loves us.

1 comment:

jeremythiessen said...

Congrats on your race, Lori! That's fantastic - it always feels good to accomplish the goal you set out for yourself, doesn't it! I got your email and will respond this week... Take care!