Monday, September 22, 2008

Does God Love Me? Not So Much

It was a rough night. I didn't get much sleep. This morning, I have been thinking about whether God loves me. My answer? No. If He does, He is awfully angry with me. I can't pretend anymore. I can't ignore the pain in my heart that tells me that He abandoned me some time ago. So, I'm shutting down some of the outside world. No more church. No more CCM. No more Facebook, Twitter, downhere boards, etc. Just me, God, and the Bible. We'll see if He has any mercy or grace for me. I doubt it. I think there just comes a time where a person is too blanketed by sin to be redeemed. God has shut the door on me.


frequ3ntliblond3 said...

I am certainly praying for you, Lori!

imagina said...

Hey friend,
I too am praying. I sometimes struggle with wondering if God loves me- and why He could... we see our mistakes and sins and think that God judges us as harshly as we judge ourselves.

That's where Grace comes in, friend... Jesus took our sin- our mistakes, or anger, our lack of faith- to the cross with Him. God loved us enough to die for US, His CHILDREN... I have no doubt that you would give your life for Ben, regardless of how much he may hurt you someday... what makes you think that God views you any differently than you view your own son?

You have been through so much, friend... your struggles and honesty hold me accountable to being real- it is so easy to hide. Your focus on running and your family... it's inspirational. Please though... I beg you... don't run away. Run into the arms of God, run your marathons, run with your son, run towards Truth... just please don't run away from yourself. You are loved dearly, friend... by us and by your Father- no matter how distant He may feel.

I encourage you to read Romans 8 during your Bible, you, and God time, friend... even if it hurts too much to accept it.

Lori said...

I love you guys. Sorry to be so negative. I'm just so lost.

imagina said...

I can't imagine what you are dealing with right now... and I'm not going to pretend that I know what it is like to lose a husband (or a father...)

Do know that I am sincerely praying... because while I cannot relate on that level, I do know what it feels like to lose someone signficant... and to go through the process of guilt (is this my fault?), anger (Why him?? This isn't fair!), and the feeling of rejection by God because prayers went unanswered. Please do not apologize for feeling... it is healthier to feel and battle with God than it is to go numb towards life- that is where the true danger lies.

I'm not sure how Ron is at this point, but know that we on the forums are still praying for him too (and Ben!) Keep loving them... even if it hurts.