Too many emotions

I struggle today with emotions that have just come flooding through since I admitted to myself (and you) the doubts I have. It started Sunday night/Monday morning when Ron woke up at about 3am and was disoriented. He started to feed the dogs. His disorientation may have been caused by medication, or it may have been caused by cancer progressing to his brain. We just don't know. I just lost it. I couldn't sleep after that.

I remember when my grandmother was dying. The last time I saw her, I was about 11, she pleaded with me to get a gun and kill her. I remember hugging my dad for the last time when I was 5. He died in the hospital, so I didn't see him struggle. I was 26 when my step-father died. He died at home. I wasn't living there, but I cam home when I could to help my mom. I am the one who walked into his room and discovered that he had died. He was 6'2". He weighed about 80lbs when he died. I remember his agony.

I understand that death is a part of life. I understand that everyone goes through sorrow and despair. However, I am still afraid. Is God punishing me? Is He disciplining me? Am I surrounding myself with love to the extent that I'm ignoring His message to me?

At about 4:30am, Monday morning, I removed my Facebook account and downhere account. I didn't mean to do anything so melodramatic. I didn't realize my posts on the downhere board would change, and I didn't think anyone would notice the Facebook thing. I just didn't want to be influenced by outside thoughts. Plus, I knew my doubts and bitterness were about to come spewing out. I didn't want to risk my posting something stupid on the downhere boards, especially with a new album coming out for them and the potential for a lot of new people to join the boards. I figured limiting my outbursts to my own blog was prudent.

The kind of funny thing about all of this is that I picked the worst week to try and remove Christian music from my life. Jason Gray just released his new album. Downhere's album came out Tuesday. We had plans to see Downhere in Decatur on Wednesday and Jason Gray tonight. Skipping Jason's concert isn't an option. It's just a few minutes away, and we promised Ben. I had planned on skipping the Downhere concert. We weren't taking Ben since it was 3 hours away and on a school night. However, Ron wanted to go, so we did.

I did enjoy the Downhere concert. There is no way to listen to their music and not feel closer to God. It's just impossible for me to do. I felt bad for the guys though. It was a rough crowd. It was mainly a youth group event, and a lot of the kids were just really, really rude. So many people were moved by the music, but a few jerks made it difficult for everyone else to enjoy themselves. I found out after the show that one kid heckled Jason the entire show. Wow.

I really enjoyed seeing everyone after the show, but felt guilty as I knew I was holding back a big secret. What was I supposed to say? "Great show. Great new album. I'm not sure I believe the Gospel anymore. Have a good evening. Drive safely." Doesn't quite work, does it?

So, today, I'm not isolating myself as much as I had planned. I've listened to Ending is Beginning a lot. Although I have had plenty of opportunity to listen to the album, I had never heard Hope is Rising until Tuesday night. Ron was reading the lyrics on the album and told me that there was a song that I really needed to hear. Wow. I am so blown away by how Jason so eloquently writes what is on my heart. I've joked about this before. I think I deserve a writing credit!!! ;-) Seriously though, how appropriate is this song...

"I've lost all my earthly optimism
That it's going to be alright
That the good will win this fight....

The dream became despair
The love became a lie

Just now, I've reached the end of my line
Just now, I'm too tired to keep on trying"

I'm amazed at how precisely Jason has captured my despair. It's nothing short of amazing.

Now, I suppose, all I need to do is find the hope.