That's the question that goes through my head today. Is it true? Is the love for real? I just don't know. Is it all just a big lie? I can't pretend anymore. I can't put on a big "C" on my chest and play Christian cheerleader. Everything is not OK. It's not going to be OK. I'm too tired for the facade. The doubts have just come crashing though. My grandfather died when my mother was 6. My dad died when I was 5. My son is 5 and... My pastor says this is merely a coincidence. I call it some kind of curse.
I think about the Old Testament. I see the suffering. I see the anger and punishment that God displays. How can I believe in both the Old Testament and the New Testament? How can God be the God of both? If God is angry at me, how will I know if I declare with blind optimism declare that He loves me? Maybe He is trying to discipline me, but I have been defiantly putting my fingers in my ears while singing my nice Christian songs.
God is good. I am not. Is there grace? Is there hope? I don't know. If there is, I can't find it.
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Hey friend...
I too used to wonder how the God of the Old testament could be reconciled with the God of the new... it was a 'conflict' that left me feeling deceived and confused.
Then I heard it explained in context, and it put my heart at ease. You see, God hates sin... He hates that it entered our world, because it separates us from Him. The God of the old testament wanted the best for us- so He gave us rules and required the sacrifice of unblemished lambs to cleanse us of our sin. In the context of the time period, the Old Testament God really made sense. They needed the rules to stay healthy and safe from harm. Their lifestyles involved slaughtering animals and fighting wars... a man dying on a cross would have made no sense to them.
Christ came as the FINAL sacrifice. No more lambs, no more rams... His blood was shed for the atonement of our sins- once and for all. That was the plan... God gave His beloved son so those who believe in Him could have eternal life. God loves us as sons and daughters... any disciple is done for our own good- not because He's an abusive father who has flown off the handle yet again (It took a loong time for me to learn that... because that was my example of a 'father'.)
As I learned in church on Sunday, God still hates sin... all sin... and He allows the consequences of our sin to play out (drunk driving takes lives, infidelity hurts families, etc.) The difference between our God and our perception of the God of the old testament is this: God no longer requires us to pay for our sins with blood: Jesus gave His blood willingly on our behalf, so our sins are not held against us.
I really encourage you to read John 9:1-3... please.
You are loved, friend... and you have our prayers. I am so sorry that your family has dealt such a difficult blow... three times... but I pray that God's love surrounds you until it feels real again. I sincerely pray... because my heart aches for you and your family... even though I don't know what has happened since Sunday to make you feel this way.
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